ACT III. SCENE 1

Before the house of ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

Enter ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS, DROMIO OF EPHESUS, ANGELO, and BALTHAZAR

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Good Signior Angelo, you must excuse us all;

My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours.

Say that I linger'd with you at your shop

To see the making of her carcanet,

And that to-morrow you will bring it home.

But here's a villain that would face me down

He met me on the mart, and that I beat him,

And charg'd him with a thousand marks in gold,

And that I did deny my wife and house.

Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know.

That you beat me at the mart I have your hand to show;

If the skin were parchment, and the blows you gave were ink,

Your own handwriting would tell you what I think.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. I think thou art an ass.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Marry, so it doth appear

By the wrongs I suffer and the blows I bear.

I should kick, being kick'd; and being at that pass,

You would keep from my heels, and beware of an ass.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Y'are sad, Signior Balthazar; pray God our cheer

May answer my good will and your good welcome here.

BALTHAZAR. I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your welcome dear.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. O, Signior Balthazar, either at flesh or fish,

A table full of welcome makes scarce one dainty dish.

BALTHAZAR. Good meat, sir, is common; that every churl affords.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. And welcome more common; for that's nothing

but words.

BALTHAZAR. Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Ay, to a niggardly host and more sparing guest.

But though my cates be mean, take them in good part;

Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart.

But, soft, my door is lock'd; go bid them let us in.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicely, Gillian, Ginn!

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. [Within] Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch!

Either get thee from the door, or sit down at the hatch.

Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call'st for such store,

When one is one too many? Go get thee from the door.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. What patch is made our porter?

My master stays in the street.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. [Within] Let him walk from whence he came,

lest he catch cold on's feet.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Who talks within there? Ho, open the door!

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. [Within] Right, sir; I'll tell you when,

an you'll tell me wherefore.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Wherefore? For my dinner;

I have not din'd to-day.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. [Within] Nor to-day here you must not;

come again when you may.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. What art thou that keep'st me out

from the house I owe?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. [Within] The porter for this time,

sir, and my name is Dromio.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. O Villain, thou hast stol'n both mine

office and my name!

The one ne'er got me credit, the other mickle blame.

If thou hadst been Dromio to-day in my place,

Thou wouldst have chang'd thy face for a name, or thy name for an ass.

Enter LUCE, within

LUCE. [Within] What a coil is there, Dromio? Who are those at the gate?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Let my master in, Luce.

LUCE. [Within] Faith, no, he comes too late;

And so tell your master.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. O Lord, I must laugh!

Have at you with a proverb: Shall I set in my staff?

LUCE. [Within] Have at you with another: that's-when? can you tell?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. [Within] If thy name be called Luce

-Luce, thou hast answer'd him well.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Do you hear, you minion? You'll let us in, I hope?

LUCE. [Within] I thought to have ask'd you.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. [Within] And you said no.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. SO, Come, help: well struck! there was blow for blow.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Thou baggage, let me in.

LUCE. [Within] Can you tell for whose sake?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Master, knock the door hard.

LUCE. [Within] Let him knock till it ache.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. You'll cry for this, minion, if beat the door down.

LUCE. [Within] What needs all that, and a pair of stocks in the town?

Enter ADRIANA, within

ADRIANA. [Within] Who is that at the door, that keeps all this noise?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. [Within] By my troth, your town is

troubled with unruly boys.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Are you there, wife? You might

have come before.

ADRIANA. [Within] Your wife, sir knave! Go get you from the door.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. If YOU went in pain, master, this 'knave' would go sore.

ANGELO. Here is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome; we would fain have either.

BALTHAZAR. In debating which was best, we shall part with neither.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. They stand at the door, master; bid them welcome hither.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. There is something in the wind, that we cannot get in.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. You would say so, master, if your garments were thin.

Your cake here is warm within; you stand here in the cold;

It would make a man mad as a buck to be so bought and sold.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Go fetch me something; I'll break ope the gate.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. [Within] Break any breaking here,

and I'll break your knave's pate.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. A man may break a word with you,

sir; and words are but wind;

Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not behind.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. [Within] It seems thou want'st breaking;

out upon thee, hind!

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Here's too much 'out upon thee!' pray thee let me in.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. [Within] Ay, when fowls have no

feathers and fish have no fin.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Well, I'll break in; go borrow me a crow.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. A crow without feather? Master, mean you so?

For a fish without a fin, there's a fowl without a feather;

If a crow help us in, sirrah, we'll pluck a crow together.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Go get thee gone; fetch me an iron crow.

BALTHAZAR. Have patience, sir; O, let it not be so!

Herein you war against your reputation,

And draw within the compass of suspect

Th' unviolated honour of your wife.

Once this-your long experience of her wisdom,

Her sober virtue, years, and modesty,

Plead on her part some cause to you unknown;

And doubt not, sir, but she will well excuse

Why at this time the doors are made against you.

Be rul'd by me: depart in patience,

And let us to the Tiger all to dinner;

And, about evening, come yourself alone

To know the reason of this strange restraint.

If by strong hand you offer to break in

Now in the stirring passage of the day,

A vulgar comment will be made of it,

And that supposed by the common rout

Against your yet ungalled estimation

That may with foul intrusion enter in

And dwell upon your grave when you are dead;

For slander lives upon succession,

For ever hous'd where it gets possession.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. You have prevail'd. I will depart in quiet,

And in despite of mirth mean to be merry.

I know a wench of excellent discourse,

Pretty and witty; wild, and yet, too, gentle;

There will we dine. This woman that I mean,

My wife-but, I protest, without desert-

Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal;

To her will we to dinner. [To ANGELO] Get you home

And fetch the chain; by this I know 'tis made.

Bring it, I pray you, to the Porpentine;

For there's the house. That chain will I bestow-

Be it for nothing but to spite my wife-

Upon mine hostess there; good sir, make haste.

Since mine own doors refuse to entertain me,

I'll knock elsewhere, to see if they'll disdain me.

ANGELO. I'll meet you at that place some hour hence.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Do so; this jest shall cost me some expense.

<Exeunt

SCENE 2

Before the house of ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

Enter LUCIANA with ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

LUCIANA. And may it be that you have quite forgot

A husband's office? Shall, Antipholus,

Even in the spring of love, thy love-springs rot?

Shall love, in building, grow so ruinous?

If you did wed my sister for her wealth,

Then for her wealth's sake use her with more kindness;

Or, if you like elsewhere, do it by stealth;

Muffle your false love with some show of blindness;

Let not my sister read it in your eye;

Be not thy tongue thy own shame's orator;

Look sweet, speak fair, become disloyalty;

Apparel vice like virtue's harbinger;

Bear a fair presence, though your heart be tainted;

Teach sin the carriage of a holy saint;

Be secret-false. What need she be acquainted?

What simple thief brags of his own attaint?

'Tis double wrong to truant with your bed

And let her read it in thy looks at board;

Shame hath a bastard fame, well managed;

Ill deeds is doubled with an evil word.

Alas, poor women! make us but believe,

Being compact of credit, that you love us;

Though others have the arm, show us the sleeve;

We in your motion turn, and you may move us.

Then, gentle brother, get you in again;

Comfort my sister, cheer her, call her wife.

'Tis holy sport to be a little vain

When the sweet breath of flattery conquers strife.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Sweet mistress-what your name is else, I know not,

Nor by what wonder you do hit of mine-

Less in your knowledge and your grace you show not

Than our earth's wonder-more than earth, divine.

Teach me, dear creature, how to think and speak;

Lay open to my earthy-gross conceit,

Smoth'red in errors, feeble, shallow, weak,

The folded meaning of your words' deceit.

Against my soul's pure truth why labour you

To make it wander in an unknown field?

Are you a god? Would you create me new?

Transform me, then, and to your pow'r I'll yield.

But if that I am I, then well I know

Your weeping sister is no wife of mine,

Nor to her bed no homage do I owe;

Far more, far more, to you do I decline.

O, train me not, sweet mermaid, with thy note,

To drown me in thy sister's flood of tears.

Sing, siren, for thyself, and I will dote;

Spread o'er the silver waves thy golden hairs,

And as a bed I'll take them, and there he;

And in that glorious supposition think

He gains by death that hath such means to die.

Let Love, being light, be drowned if she sink.

LUCIANA. What, are you mad, that you do reason so?

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Not mad, but mated; how, I do not know.

LUCIANA. It is a fault that springeth from your eye.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. For gazing on your beams, fair sun, being by.

LUCIANA. Gaze where you should, and that will clear your sight.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. As good to wink, sweet love, as look on night.

LUCIANA. Why call you me love? Call my sister so.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Thy sister's sister.

LUCIANA. That's my sister.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. No;

It is thyself, mine own self's better part;

Mine eye's clear eye, my dear heart's dearer heart,

My food, my fortune, and my sweet hope's aim,

My sole earth's heaven, and my heaven's claim.

LUCIANA. All this my sister is, or else should be.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Call thyself sister, sweet, for I am thee;

Thee will I love, and with thee lead my life;

Thou hast no husband yet, nor I no wife.

Give me thy hand.

LUCIANA. O, soft, sir, hold you still;

I'll fetch my sister to get her good will.

<Exit LUCIANA

Enter DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Why, how now, Dromio! Where run'st thou

so fast?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Do you know me, sir? Am I Dromio?

Am I your man? Am I myself?

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Thou art Dromio, thou art my

man, thou art thyself.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. I am an ass, I am a woman's man, and besides

myself.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. What woman's man, and how besides thyself?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Marry, sir, besides myself, I am due

to a woman-one that claims me, one that haunts me, one

that will have me.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. What claim lays she to thee?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Marry, sir, such claim as you would

lay to your horse; and she would have me as a beast: not

that, I being a beast, she would have me; but that she,

being a very beastly creature, lays claim to me.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. What is she?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. A very reverent body; ay, such a one

as a man may not speak of without he say 'Sir-reverence.'

I have but lean luck in the match, and yet is she a

wondrous fat marriage.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. How dost thou mean a fat marriage?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Marry, sir, she's the kitchen-wench,

and all grease; and I know not what use to put her to but

to make a lamp of her and run from her by her own light.

I warrant, her rags and the tallow in them will burn

Poland winter. If she lives till doomsday, she'll burn

week longer than the whole world.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. What complexion is she of?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Swart, like my shoe; but her face

nothing like so clean kept; for why, she sweats, a man may

go over shoes in the grime of it.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. That's a fault that water will mend.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. No, sir, 'tis in grain; Noah's flood

could not do it.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. What's her name?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Nell, sir; but her name and three

quarters, that's an ell and three quarters, will not measure

her from hip to hip.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Then she bears some breadth?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. No longer from head to foot than

from hip to hip: she is spherical, like a globe; I could find

out countries in her.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. In what part of her body stands Ireland?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Marry, sir, in her buttocks; I found it out by

the bogs.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Where Scotland?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. I found it by the barrenness, hard in

the palm of the hand.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Where France?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. In her forehead, arm'd and reverted,

making war against her heir.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Where England?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. I look'd for the chalky cliffs, but I

could find no whiteness in them; but I guess it stood in her

chin, by the salt rheum that ran between France and it.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Where Spain?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Faith, I saw it not, but I felt it hot in

her breath.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Where America, the Indies?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. O, sir, upon her nose, an o'er embellished with

rubies, carbuncles, sapphires, declining their rich aspect to the

hot breath of Spain; who sent whole armadoes of caracks to be

ballast at her nose.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Where stood Belgia, the Netherlands?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. O, Sir, I did not look so low. To

conclude: this drudge or diviner laid claim to me; call'd me

Dromio; swore I was assur'd to her; told me what privy

marks I had about me, as, the mark of my shoulder, the

mole in my neck, the great wart on my left arm, that I,

amaz'd, ran from her as a witch.

And, I think, if my breast had not been made of faith,

and my heart of steel,

She had transform'd me to a curtal dog, and made me turn i' th' wheel.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Go hie thee presently post to the road;

An if the wind blow any way from shore,

I will not harbour in this town to-night.

If any bark put forth, come to the mart,

Where I will walk till thou return to me.

If every one knows us, and we know none,

'Tis time, I think, to trudge, pack and be gone.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. As from a bear a man would run for life,

So fly I from her that would be my wife.

<Exit

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. There's none but witches do inhabit here,

And therefore 'tis high time that I were hence.

She that doth call me husband, even my soul

Doth for a wife abhor. But her fair sister,

Possess'd with such a gentle sovereign grace,

Of such enchanting presence and discourse,

Hath almost made me traitor to myself;

But, lest myself be guilty to self-wrong,

I'll stop mine ears against the mermaid's song.

Enter ANGELO with the chain

ANGELO. Master Antipholus!

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Ay, that's my name.

ANGELO. I know it well, sir. Lo, here is the chain.

I thought to have ta'en you at the Porpentine;

The chain unfinish'd made me stay thus long.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. What is your will that I shall do with this?

ANGELO. What please yourself, sir; I have made it for you.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Made it for me, sir! I bespoke it not.

ANGELO. Not once nor twice, but twenty times you have.

Go home with it, and please your wife withal;

And soon at supper-time I'll visit you,

And then receive my money for the chain.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. I pray you, sir, receive the money now,

For fear you ne'er see chain nor money more.

ANGELO. You are a merry man, sir; fare you well.

<Exit

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. What I should think of this cannot tell:

But this I think, there's no man is so vain

That would refuse so fair an offer'd chain.

I see a man here needs not live by shifts,

When in the streets he meets such golden gifts.

I'll to the mart, and there for Dromio stay;

If any ship put out, then straight away.

<Exit

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ACT IV. SCENE 1

A public place

Enter SECOND MERCHANT, ANGELO, and an OFFICER

SECOND MERCHANT. You know since Pentecost the sum is due,

And since I have not much importun'd you;

Nor now I had not, but that I am bound

To Persia, and want guilders for my voyage.

Therefore make present satisfaction,

Or I'll attach you by this officer.

ANGELO. Even just the sum that I do owe to you

Is growing to me by Antipholus;

And in the instant that I met with you

He had of me a chain; at five o'clock

I shall receive the money for the same.

Pleaseth you walk with me down to his house,

I will discharge my bond, and thank you too.

Enter ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS, and DROMIO OF EPHESUS, from the COURTEZAN'S

OFFICER. That labour may you save; see where he comes.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. While I go to the goldsmith's house, go thou

And buy a rope's end; that will I bestow

Among my wife and her confederates,

For locking me out of my doors by day.

But, soft, I see the goldsmith. Get thee gone;

Buy thou a rope, and bring it home to me.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. I buy a thousand pound a year; I buy a rope.

<Exit DROMIO

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. A man is well holp up that trusts to you!

I promised your presence and the chain;

But neither chain nor goldsmith came to me.

Belike you thought our love would last too long,

If it were chain'd together, and therefore came not.

ANGELO. Saving your merry humour, here's the note

How much your chain weighs to the utmost carat,

The fineness of the gold, and chargeful fashion,

Which doth amount to three odd ducats more

Than I stand debted to this gentleman.

I pray you see him presently discharg'd,

For he is bound to sea, and stays but for it.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. I am not furnish'd with the present money;

Besides, I have some business in the town.

Good signior, take the stranger to my house,

And with you take the chain, and bid my wife

Disburse the sum on the receipt thereof.

Perchance I will be there as soon as you.

ANGELO. Then you will bring the chain to her yourself?

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. No; bear it with you, lest I come not time enough.

ANGELO. Well, sir, I will. Have you the chain about you?

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. An if I have not, sir, I hope you have;

Or else you may return without your money.

ANGELO. Nay, come, I pray you, sir, give me the chain;

Both wind and tide stays for this gentleman,

And I, to blame, have held him here too long.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Good Lord! you use this dalliance to excuse

Your breach of promise to the Porpentine;

I should have chid you for not bringing it,

But, like a shrew, you first begin to brawl.

SECOND MERCHANT. The hour steals on; I pray you, sir, dispatch.

ANGELO. You hear how he importunes me-the chain!

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Why, give it to my wife, and fetch your money.

ANGELO. Come, come, you know I gave it you even now.

Either send the chain or send by me some token.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Fie, now you run this humour out of breath!

Come, where's the chain? I pray you let me see it.

SECOND MERCHANT. My business cannot brook this dalliance.

Good sir, say whe'r you'll answer me or no;

If not, I'll leave him to the officer.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. I answer you! What should I answer you?

ANGELO. The money that you owe me for the chain.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. I owe you none till I receive the chain.

ANGELO. You know I gave it you half an hour since.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. You gave me none; you wrong me much to say so.

ANGELO. You wrong me more, sir, in denying it.

Consider how it stands upon my credit.

SECOND MERCHANT. Well, officer, arrest him at my suit.

OFFICER. I do; and charge you in the Duke's name to obey me.

ANGELO. This touches me in reputation.

Either consent to pay this sum for me,

Or I attach you by this officer.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Consent to pay thee that I never had!

Arrest me, foolish fellow, if thou dar'st.

ANGELO. Here is thy fee; arrest him, officer.

I would not spare my brother in this case,

If he should scorn me so apparently.

OFFICER. I do arrest you, sir; you hear the suit.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. I do obey thee till I give thee bail.

But, sirrah, you shall buy this sport as dear

As all the metal in your shop will answer.

ANGELO. Sir, sir, I shall have law in Ephesus,

To your notorious shame, I doubt it not.

Enter DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, from the bay

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Master, there's a bark of Epidamnum

That stays but till her owner comes aboard,

And then, sir, she bears away. Our fraughtage, sir,

I have convey'd aboard; and I have bought

The oil, the balsamum, and aqua-vitx.

The ship is in her trim; the merry wind

Blows fair from land; they stay for nought at an

But for their owner, master, and yourself.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. How now! a madman? Why, thou peevish sheep,

What ship of Epidamnum stays for me?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. A ship you sent me to, to hire waftage.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. THOU drunken slave! I sent the for a rope;

And told thee to what purpose and what end.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. YOU sent me for a rope's end as soon-

You sent me to the bay, sir, for a bark.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. I Will debate this matter at more leisure,

And teach your ears to list me with more heed.

To Adriana, villain, hie thee straight;

Give her this key, and tell her in the desk

That's cover'd o'er with Turkish tapestry

There is a purse of ducats; let her send it.

Tell her I am arrested in the street,

And that shall bail me; hie thee, slave, be gone.

On, officer, to prison till it come.

<Exeunt all but DROMIO

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. To Adriana! that is where we din'd,

Where Dowsabel did claim me for her husband.

She is too big, I hope, for me to compass.

Thither I must, although against my will,

For servants must their masters' minds fulfil.

<Exit

SCENE 2

The house of ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS

Enter ADRIANA and LUCIANA

ADRIANA. Ah, Luciana, did he tempt thee so?

Might'st thou perceive austerely in his eye

That he did plead in earnest? Yea or no?

Look'd he or red or pale, or sad or merrily?

What observation mad'st thou in this case

Of his heart's meteors tilting in his face?

LUCIANA. First he denied you had in him no right.

ADRIANA. He meant he did me none-the more my spite.

LUCIANA. Then swore he that he was a stranger here.

ADRIANA. And true he swore, though yet forsworn he were.

LUCIANA. Then pleaded I for you.

ADRIANA. And what said he?

LUCIANA. That love I begg'd for you he begg'd of me.

ADRIANA. With what persuasion did he tempt thy love?

LUCIANA. With words that in an honest suit might move.

First he did praise my beauty, then my speech.

ADRIANA. Didst speak him fair?

LUCIANA. Have patience, I beseech.

ADRIANA. I cannot, nor I will not hold me still;

My tongue, though not my heart, shall have his will.

He is deformed, crooked, old, and sere,

Ill-fac'd, worse bodied, shapeless everywhere;

Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind;

Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.

LUCIANA. Who would be jealous then of such a one?

No evil lost is wail'd when it is gone.

ADRIANA. Ah, but I think him better than I say,

And yet would herein others' eyes were worse.

Far from her nest the lapwing cries away;

My heart prays for him, though my tongue do curse.

Enter DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Here go-the desk, the purse. Sweet

now, make haste.

LUCIANA. How hast thou lost thy breath?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. By running fast.

ADRIANA. Where is thy master, Dromio? Is he well?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. No, he's in Tartar limbo, worse than hell.

A devil in an everlasting garment hath him;

One whose hard heart is button'd up with steel;

A fiend, a fairy, pitiless and rough;

A wolf, nay worse, a fellow all in buff;

A back-friend, a shoulder-clapper, one that countermands

The passages of alleys, creeks, and narrow lands;

A hound that runs counter, and yet draws dry-foot well;

One that, before the Judgment, carries poor souls to hell.

ADRIANA. Why, man, what is the matter?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. I do not know the matter; he is rested on the case.

ADRIANA. What, is he arrested? Tell me, at whose suit?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. I know not at whose suit he is arrested well;

But he's in a suit of buff which 'rested him, that can I tell.

Will you send him, mistress, redemption, the money in his desk?

ADRIANA. Go fetch it, sister. [Exit LUCIANA] This I wonder at:

Thus he unknown to me should be in debt.

Tell me, was he arrested on a band?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. on a band, but on a stronger thing,

A chain, a chain. Do you not hear it ring?

ADRIANA. What, the chain?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. No, no, the bell; 'tis time that I were gone.

It was two ere I left him, and now the clock strikes one.

ADRIANA. The hours come back! That did I never hear.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. O yes. If any hour meet a sergeant,

'a turns back for very fear.

ADRIANA. As if Time were in debt! How fondly dost thou reason!

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Time is a very bankrupt, and owes

more than he's worth to season.

Nay, he's a thief too: have you not heard men say

That Time comes stealing on by night and day?

If 'a be in debt and theft, and a sergeant in the way,

Hath he not reason to turn back an hour in a day?

Re-enter LUCIANA with a purse

ADRIANA. Go, Dromio, there's the money; bear it straight,

And bring thy master home immediately.

Come, sister; I am press'd down with conceit-

Conceit, my comfort and my injury.

<Exeunt

SCENE 3

The mart

Enter ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. There's not a man I meet but doth salute me

As if I were their well-acquainted friend;

And every one doth call me by my name.

Some tender money to me, some invite me,

Some other give me thanks for kindnesses,

Some offer me commodities to buy;

Even now a tailor call'd me in his shop,

And show'd me silks that he had bought for me,

And therewithal took measure of my body.

Sure, these are but imaginary wiles,

And Lapland sorcerers inhabit here.

Enter DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Master, here's the gold you sent me

for. What, have you got the picture of old Adam new-apparell'd?

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. What gold is this? What Adam dost thou mean?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Not that Adam that kept the Paradise,

but that Adam that keeps the prison; he that goes in the

calf's skin that was kill'd for the Prodigal; he that came behind

you, sir, like an evil angel, and bid you forsake your liberty.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. I understand thee not.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. No? Why, 'tis a plain case: he that

went, like a bass-viol, in a case of leather; the man, sir,

that, when gentlemen are tired, gives them a sob, and rest

them; he, sir, that takes pity on decayed men, and give

them suits of durance; he that sets up his rest to do more

exploits with his mace than a morris-pike.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. What, thou mean'st an officer?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Ay, sir, the sergeant of the band;

that brings any man to answer it that breaks his band; on

that thinks a man always going to bed, and says 'God give

you good rest!'

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Well, sir, there rest in your foolery. Is

there any ship puts forth to-night? May we be gone?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Why, sir, I brought you word an

hour since that the bark Expedition put forth to-night; and

then were you hind'red by the sergeant, to tarry for the

boy Delay. Here are the angels that you sent for to deliver you.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. The fellow is distract, and so am I;

And here we wander in illusions.

Some blessed power deliver us from hence!

Enter a COURTEZAN

COURTEZAN. Well met, well met, Master Antipholus.

I see, sir, you have found the goldsmith now.

Is that the chain you promis'd me to-day?

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Satan, avoid! I charge thee, tempt me not.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Master, is this Mistress Satan?

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. It is the devil.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Nay, she is worse, she is the devil's

dam, and here she comes in the habit of a light wench; and

thereof comes that the wenches say 'God damn me!' That's

as much to say 'God make me a light wench!' It is written

they appear to men like angels of light; light is an effect

of fire, and fire will burn; ergo, light wenches will burn.

Come not near her.

COURTEZAN. Your man and you are marvellous merry, sir.

Will you go with me? We'll mend our dinner here.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Master, if you do, expect spoon-meat,

or bespeak a long spoon.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Why, Dromio?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Marry, he must have a long spoon

that must eat with the devil.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Avoid then, fiend! What tell'st thou me of supping?

Thou art, as you are all, a sorceress;

I conjure thee to leave me and be gone.

COURTEZAN. Give me the ring of mine you had at dinner,

Or, for my diamond, the chain you promis'd,

And I'll be gone, sir, and not trouble you.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Some devils ask but the parings of one's nail,

A rush, a hair, a drop of blood, a pin,

A nut, a cherry-stone;

But she, more covetous, would have a chain.

Master, be wise; an if you give it her,

The devil will shake her chain, and fright us with it.

COURTEZAN. I pray you, sir, my ring, or else the chain;

I hope you do not mean to cheat me so.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Avaunt, thou witch! Come, Dromio, let us go.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. 'Fly pride' says the peacock. Mistress, that you know.

<Exeunt ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE and DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

COURTEZAN. Now, out of doubt, Antipholus is mad,

Else would he never so demean himself.

A ring he hath of mine worth forty ducats,

And for the same he promis'd me a chain;

Both one and other he denies me now.

The reason that I gather he is mad,

Besides this present instance of his rage,

Is a mad tale he told to-day at dinner

Of his own doors being shut against his entrance.

Belike his wife, acquainted with his fits,

On purpose shut the doors against his way.

My way is now to hie home to his house,

And tell his wife that, being lunatic,

He rush'd into my house and took perforce

My ring away. This course I fittest choose,

For forty ducats is too much to lose.

<Exit

SCENE 4

A street

Enter ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS with the OFFICER

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Fear me not, man; I will not break away.

I'll give thee, ere I leave thee, so much money,

To warrant thee, as I am 'rested for.

My wife is in a wayward mood to-day,

And will not lightly trust the messenger.

That I should be attach'd in Ephesus,

I tell you 'twill sound harshly in her cars.

Enter DROMIO OF EPHESUS, with a rope's-end

Here comes my man; I think he brings the money. How now, sir! Have you that I sent you for? DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Here's that, I warrant you, will pay them all. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. But where's the money? DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Why, sir, I gave the money for the rope. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Five hundred ducats, villain, for rope? DROMIO OF EPHESUS. I'll serve you, sir, five hundred at the rate. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. To what end did I bid thee hie thee home? DROMIO OF EPHESUS. To a rope's-end, sir; and to that end am I return'd. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. And to that end, sir, I will welcome you. [Beating him] OFFICER. Good sir, be patient. DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Nay, 'tis for me to be patient; I am in adversity. OFFICER. Good now, hold thy tongue. DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Nay, rather persuade him to hold his hands. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Thou whoreson, senseless villain! DROMIO OF EPHESUS. I would I were senseless, sir, that I might not feel your blows. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Thou art sensible in nothing but blows, and so is an ass. DROMIO OF EPHESUS. I am an ass indeed; you may prove it by my long 'ears. I have served him from the hour of my nativity to this instant, and have nothing at his hands for my service but blows. When I am cold he heats me with beating; when I am warm he cools me with beating. I am wak'd with it when I sleep; rais'd with it when I sit; driven out of doors with it when I go from home; welcom'd home with it when I return; nay, I bear it on my shoulders as beggar wont her brat; and I think, when he hath lam'd me, I shall beg with it from door to door.

Enter ADRIANA, LUCIANA, the COURTEZAN, and a SCHOOLMASTER call'd PINCH

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Come, go along; my wife is coming yonder.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Mistress, 'respice finem,' respect your end; or

rather, to prophesy like the parrot, 'Beware the rope's-end.'

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Wilt thou still talk?

[Beating him]

COURTEZAN. How say you now? Is not your husband mad?

ADRIANA. His incivility confirms no less.

Good Doctor Pinch, you are a conjurer:

Establish him in his true sense again,

And I will please you what you will demand.

LUCIANA. Alas, how fiery and how sharp he looks!

COURTEZAN. Mark how he trembles in his ecstasy.

PINCH. Give me your hand, and let me feel your pulse.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. There is my hand, and let it feel your ear.

[Striking him]

PINCH. I charge thee, Satan, hous'd within this man,

To yield possession to my holy prayers,

And to thy state of darkness hie thee straight.

I conjure thee by all the saints in heaven.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Peace, doting wizard, peace! I am not mad.

ADRIANA. O, that thou wert not, poor distressed soul!

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. You minion, you, are these your customers?

Did this companion with the saffron face

Revel and feast it at my house to-day,

Whilst upon me the guilty doors were shut,

And I denied to enter in my house?

ADRIANA. O husband, God doth know you din'd at home,

Where would you had remain'd until this time,

Free from these slanders and this open shame!

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Din'd at home! Thou villain, what sayest thou?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Sir, Sooth to say, you did not dine at home.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Were not my doors lock'd up and I shut out?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Perdie, your doors were lock'd and you shut out.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. And did not she herself revile me there?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Sans fable, she herself revil'd you there.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Did not her kitchen-maid rail, taunt, and scorn me?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Certes, she did; the kitchen-vestal scorn'd you.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. And did not I in rage depart from thence?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. In verity, you did. My bones bear witness,

That since have felt the vigour of his rage.

ADRIANA. Is't good to soothe him in these contraries?

PINCH. It is no shame; the fellow finds his vein,

And, yielding to him, humours well his frenzy.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Thou hast suborn'd the goldsmith to arrest me.

ADRIANA. Alas, I sent you money to redeem you,

By Dromio here, who came in haste for it.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Money by me! Heart and goodwill you might,

But surely, master, not a rag of money.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Went'st not thou to her for purse of ducats?

ADRIANA. He came to me, and I deliver'd it.

LUCIANA. And I am witness with her that she did.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. God and the rope-maker bear me witness

That I was sent for nothing but a rope!

PINCH. Mistress, both man and master is possess'd;

I know it by their pale and deadly looks.

They must be bound, and laid in some dark room.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Say, wherefore didst thou lock me forth to-day?

And why dost thou deny the bag of gold?

ADRIANA. I did not, gentle husband, lock thee forth.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. And, gentle master, I receiv'd no gold;

But I confess, sir, that we were lock'd out.

ADRIANA. Dissembling villain, thou speak'st false in both.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Dissembling harlot, thou art false in all,

And art confederate with a damned pack

To make a loathsome abject scorn of me;

But with these nails I'll pluck out these false eyes

That would behold in me this shameful sport.

ADRIANA. O, bind him, bind him; let him not come near me.

PINCH. More company! The fiend is strong within him.

Enter three or four, and offer to bind him. He strives

LUCIANA. Ay me, poor man, how pale and wan he looks!

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. What, will you murder me? Thou gaoler, thou,

I am thy prisoner. Wilt thou suffer them

To make a rescue?

OFFICER. Masters, let him go;

He is my prisoner, and you shall not have him.

PINCH. Go bind this man, for he is frantic too.

[They bind DROMIO]

ADRIANA. What wilt thou do, thou peevish officer?

Hast thou delight to see a wretched man

Do outrage and displeasure to himself?

OFFICER. He is my prisoner; if I let him go,

The debt he owes will be requir'd of me.

ADRIANA. I will discharge thee ere I go from thee;

Bear me forthwith unto his creditor,

And, knowing how the debt grows, I will pay it.

Good Master Doctor, see him safe convey'd

Home to my house. O most unhappy day!

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. O most unhappy strumpet!

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Master, I am here ent'red in bond for you.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS. Out on thee, villian! Wherefore

dost thou mad me?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Will you be bound for nothing?

Be mad, good master; cry 'The devil!'

LUCIANA. God help, poor souls, how idly do they talk!

ADRIANA. Go bear him hence. Sister, go you with me.

<Exeunt all but ADRIANA, LUCIANA, OFFICERS, and COURTEZAN

Say now, whose suit is he arrested at?

OFFICER. One Angelo, a goldsmith; do you know him?

ADRIANA. I know the man. What is the sum he owes?

OFFICER. Two hundred ducats.

ADRIANA. Say, how grows it due?

OFFICER. Due for a chain your husband had of him.

ADRIANA. He did bespeak a chain for me, but had it not.

COURTEZAN. When as your husband, all in rage, to-day

Came to my house, and took away my ring-

The ring I saw upon his finger now-

Straight after did I meet him with a chain.

ADRIANA. It may be so, but I did never see it.

Come, gaoler, bring me where the goldsmith is;

I long to know the truth hereof at large.

Enter ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE, with his rapier drawn, and

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.

LUCIANA. God, for thy mercy! they are loose again. ADRIANA. And come with naked swords. Let's call more help to have them bound again. OFFICER. Away, they'll kill us! <Exeunt all but ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE and DROMIO OF SYRACUSE as fast as may be, frighted ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. I see these witches are afraid of swords. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. She that would be your wife now ran from you. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. Come to the Centaur; fetch our stuff from thence. I long that we were safe and sound aboard. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Faith, stay here this night; they will surely do us no harm; you saw they speak us fair, give us gold; methinks they are such a gentle nation that, but for the mountain of mad flesh that claims marriage of me, could find in my heart to stay here still and turn witch. ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE. I will not stay to-night for all the town; Therefore away, to get our stuff aboard. <Exeunt

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